I was sitting in my school’s church and the song textbook slipped out of my fingers.
It fell to the ground with a loud bang in a moment where everything else was silent.
And that’s when it happened.
My heart started racing.
I couldn’t breath.
All the blood felt like it was first rushing to my head.
Then, drained out of my body.
My body felt wobbly.
Above all else, I had this urgent powerful desperate need to get out.
Though it seemed as if I could not escape.
I mean, how can you escape day-to-day life?
Most of my life I felt numb inside.
It was as if I was living and having all these experiences but I never felt them.
I tried to analyze my feelings to their core and it was never enough.
Joy, didn’t feel like real joy.
Happiness was not there either.
And also sadness and pain didn’t feel real.
After all, what was I supposed to be sad about?
I had quite the normal life.
Sure my parents divorced but that is not out of the ordinary in our day and age.
Still, I started having panic attacks when I was ten years old.
I remember them so well.
I learned how to deal with them.
Without any type of medication or drugs.
I learned how to control them.
How to push through and thrive.
How to utilize the power of my mind.
Another thing that was like an escape to me, was to play the violin.
I could loose myself in one of Shostakovich’s melodies; while painting a copy of Monet’s Water Lilies; reading Agatha Christie or writing the next international bestseller (okay, this one has yet to happen 😉 ).
From all those things though, it was writing which offered me a resemblance of sanity.
Particularly writing about things I knew there was no immediate answer for.
Or maybe there was but I would not find it.
Not in a million years.
It took me a few more years – seven to be precise – to accept this.
To tell myself that it was okay to not know.
To instead, have faith in whatever was out there that determines our lives.
It took me a few more years to realize that that was not enough.
That you had to have faith in yourself.
Sometimes – and because I want to be honest here – I still struggle with that.
I struggle to not feel dull inside – to feel alive instead.
I still long to experience and explore life to its fullest – whatever that means.
I don’t want my life to be mediocre.
That is one of the reason the entrepreneurial heart beats so strongly inside my chest.
And I don’t believe what most people say that life is supposed to be.
I mean, how do they know?
No one knows me better than I do myself.
I know what I need and want.
Most of the time at least :).
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy to go for that.
You have to go against social stigmas, deal with the occasional troll and feelings of feeling like an outsider.
People are always scared of things or people they don’t understand.
People that are different.
I guess it makes them question their own lives.
But I can’t stop and probably never can in my search for ‘there has to be more to life than we know‘.
Who knows what kind of answers I will find on my journey?
But no worries :).
I’ll keep you posted.
And who knows, one day you might decide to follow my journey of discovery?